ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
