theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
