were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
