I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
