Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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