i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize