i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize