and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
