Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
