you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
