he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Can I color on your dick again?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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