a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I am available for nakedness
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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