My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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