This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
