I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
lets start a swedish sibling band together
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
