I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?
Cause it just destroys penises
Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
