Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
