She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
