I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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