I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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