and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize