First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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