Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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