shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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