i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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