I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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