Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize