I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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