Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
