I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
