if you like me you must not know who I am
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
