His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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