College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
