apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
