I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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