This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
