so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
