Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
