dude i'm inner monologue high
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
