someone threw a dead crab at me
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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