it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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