broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
