life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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