I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
