And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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