I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize