Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize