in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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