PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
