I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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