Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
