It's Friday. Sex?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
