My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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