we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
