Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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