The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
True strength comes from lack of pants
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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