Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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