You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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