sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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